HAYGUYZTHEREAREZOMBIESINTHEFRICKIN’STREETS!
by dawn in the fields
Summary: This is crack. Pure crack. What you get when you combine AK47s, Naruto, Sasuke and vaguely humanoid objects. Cowritten with Kinomi Akai. NarutoxSasuke.


Disclaimer: So then we were like, "Let's write a _fan_fic!" Key word being fan. Faaaaan. Get it? ;D

Warning: extreme hints of Naruto/Sasuke. Sasuke's on the bottom, fyi. ;D oh, and huge amounts of crack. Like…your FACE amounts of crack.

Music: the lovely sound of the wind-up flashlight. The power was out. ;D

Cowritten with Kinomi Akai, my lovely best friend who _never updates_ (pointed glare). ;D Kinomi: Shut up! DX

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**HAYGUYZTHEREAREZOMBIESINTHEFRICKIN'STREETS!**

Naruto woke to the unmistakable sound of neighbours swearing and running in the hall. Deciding to join in on the swearing, he leapt out of bed and stuck his head out the door, only to be smacked in the face (accidentally, of course!) by one of the aforementioned running, swearing neighbours.

"What the _fuck_?" He asked his now fallen night cap on the floor. The hat, of course, said absolutely nothing, which Naruto's brain translated to, "Find out for yourself, you dumb little shit!"

(A/N: MS Word is retarded. End of story.)

"Fine, fine!" Naruto grumbled. He stepped out of his apartment, purposely walking on said hat, still wearing his pajamas (bare feet and all).

Seeing a neighbour dashing past, he quickly shot out a hand and grabbed the neighbour by the back of the collar. (Nearly choking him in the process, but Naruto didn't really care much for that.)

"What's happening?" he asked the slowly turning blue neighbour.

"I-it's terrible! My, my newspaper!" he gasped out, before falling to the floor and meeting the same fate as Naruto's night cap, by said ninja's foot.

Naruto moved on, muttering various obscenities to himself (if one listened closely, you could barely make out the words "waffles" and "peanut butter").

He followed the rush of other tenants to outside of the apartment building and was greeted by the sight of a huge mob surrounding a vaguely humanoid object.

"Arrghrutlswojteyh," the vaguely humanoid object moaned.

Naruto tapped one of the people on the outside of the mob on the shoulder. "What's going on?" he asked.

"That jerkwad stole my newspaper!" the elderly lady, brandishing her lacy, pink parasol, replied angrily. This response was immediately met by furious shouts of agreement.

"Mine too!" a little girl near the woman shrieked, her voice going into the higher pitches that girls' voices tend to go into when upset or angry.

"Same here!" a middle-aged man yelled, nodding his rapidly balding head.

Naruto sweat-dropped. "Okay, okay, I get the message!" he said, holding his hands up in defense. "No need to shout!"

"Arrghrutlswojteyh!" the vaguely humanoid object repeated. Naruto forced his way to the front of the mob and looked at it with distaste.

It looked like a green Kisame, just slightly more wrinkled, a lot uglier, and with completely annihilated clothing. Oh, and it had a bunch of newspapers by its feet as well. Naruto spied around ten copies of today's_ Konoha Gossip Daily: Your Key to Who's Dating Who!_

Faraway, in the Akatsuki base, Kisame sneezed. Itachi, who has been painting the fish-man's nails, smeared the nail polish all over Kisame's coat and cursed. "That's gross!" he sneered.

Back in Konoha, where the mob was still surrounding the vaguely humanoid object, Naruto kicked it a few times, and received a "Arrghrutlswojteyh" in response each time he did so.

"Eww," he stated plainly.

After the fifth kick or so, the vaguely humanoid object let out a particularly loud "ARRGHRUTLSWOJEYH!". Naruto looked around in confusion.

"Did I miss something here?" he asked. The rest of the spectators shook their heads.

They heard a loud sound from above, and looked up as one. Naruto twitched involuntarily as he saw a billion million bright lights and even _more_ vaguely humanoid objects hanging from ropes. And not just any ropes—they were extra-strength, rainbow-power infused, _fairy-tale ropes_. More than one person in the crowd fainted from the shock.

"Oh my god!" a random person gasped. "It's even more vaguely humanoid objects hanging on extra-strength rainbow-power infused fairy-tale ropes! RUN!"

His shout set off a chain of events that consisted mainly of yelling, screaming and the vaguely humanoid objects giving battle cries of "ARRGHRUTLSWOJEYH!".

After a few minutes of chaos and terror, the vaguely humanoid objects that were hanging from the extra-strength, rainbow-power infused, fairy-tale ropes pulled out AK-47s. All at once. Cue gasp.

Naruto jumped into action at this point, running frantically in circles looking for his friends. Unfortunately, he only ran into Sakura, Shikamaru, Ino, Chouji, Kiba, Hinata, Shino, Neji, TenTen and Lee.

"Have you seen Sasuke-kun?!" Sakura screamed into Naruto's ear, voice going into the aforementioned high tone that girls' voices go into when upset or angry. It caused him to go temporarily into anaphylactic shock. Well, you learn something new everyday—and today Naruto learned that not only was he allergic to Sakura's voice, vaguely humanoid objects hanging on extra-strength, rainbow-power infused, fairy-tale ropes carrying AK-47s and shouting, " Arrghrutlswojteyh!" are not good news.

After the danger of death was over (and once Naruto recovered his hearing), he quickly shouted a negative response over his shoulder and ran towards the Uchiha complex that the stupid bastard had moved into last year.

Of course, Naruto being Naruto, he managed to get inexplicably lost on the way, running into various vaguely humanoid objects carrying AK-47s that had dropped down from the extra-strength rainbow-power infused fairy-tale ropes. And since it was Naruto, he managed to dodge all the bullets, take down an innumerable amount of vaguely humanoid objects and steal quite a few AK-47s in the process, which he absently mindedly stuffed into his pocket. Which was like Barney's bag of craft materials in some way.

Finally arriving at the Uchiha complex, he frantically pounded on the door of the house that Sasuke was living in. After a few minutes of knocking (and quite a few splinters), an upstairs window opened and a shirtless Sasuke (with his hair sticking in every which direction) stuck his head out.

"What the fuck are you doing dobe?!" he yelled, looking down. As an afterthought, he added disbelievingly, "Are those your _pajamas_?"

"Wha?" Naruto said, distracted, as he looked down. His once Pikachu-versus-Meowth pink pajamas were now spotted with rainbow vaguely humanoid object "blood". "Oh, I forgot to change when I woke up," he said, as if it was a normal occurrence.

"I can't believe you—oh, forget that," Sasuke scowled. "Why the hell are you here anyways?"

Naruto snapped back to reality. "You mean you didn't notice all the vaguely humanoid objects coming down from extra-strength, rainbow-power infused, fairy-tale ropes carrying AK-47s?!"

Sasuke twitched, stared at Naruto and then twitched again. "No, I can't say I have," he said, clearly not believing a word Naruto said.

At that moment, some more vaguely humanoid objects dropped off their extra-strength, rainbow-power infused, fairy-tale ropes and started shooting at the roofs of random buildings in the Uchiha complex with AK-47s.

"Believe me now?" Naruto said, grinning. Of course, he then remembered that his precious Sasuke was in danger. And that he should be saved, or so Naruto thought. "Now get your ass down here, teme!"

"Alright, alright," Sasuke grumbled. "Just let me put a shirt on," and he disappeared from the window.

_Darn_, Naruto thought.

Unfortunately (or fortunately, from Naruto and the fangirls' point of view), a large number of vaguely humanoid objects dropped off of their extra-strength, rainbow-power infused, fairy-tale ropes, crashed into the room that Sasuke had been sleeping in, carrying AK-47s and shouting "ARRGHRUTLSWOJEYH!" at the poor Uchiha, who hadn't even been able to dress properly.

"Screw the shirt!" Naruto yelled. "Just get down here!" And as such, Sasuke vaulted over the window frame, clad only in his boxers. Naruto stretched his arms out, preparing to catch Sasuke. But the Uchiha, feeling no need to be treated like a blushing bride, promptly maneuvered so that he landed on Naruto, crashing them both to the ground.

"My bad," he said calmly.

"Your bad my ass!" Naruto yelled, before remembering their situation. "I'd yell at you more, but I'm—" _too busy staring at your chest_, he was about to say. Luckily, he broke off before he could embarrass himself further. "Too busy, uh, planning a way out of here!" he said hastily, looking around in a mock sense of urgency.

Sasuke pointed calmly, still straddling Naruto's waist. "There's a clear path right that way," he stated.

"That's great! That's just great!" Naruto exclaimed, a little too quickly and over-enthusiastically, leaping up and knocking Sasuke onto his ass. He then promptly tripped over a dead vaguely humanoid object and fell on top of Sasuke, hovering two inches away from his best friend's face. (1)

"Naruto," Sasuke breathed, strained.

"What…what is it?" he asked, nervous. _This…can't be real, can it?_

"Just…," he started, "just get your frickin' knee out of my stomach!" he ended angrily, pushing the blond of him.

"Oh. Uh, sorry," Naruto said, embarrassed. Sasuke just glared, coughing slightly. And then Naruto remembered the vaguely humanoid objects approaching. "But no time for that!" He jumped up, dragging Sasuke with him (and not tripping on a dead vaguely humanoid object this time). "Come on, we've got to go before they catch us!" He paused, remembering the items in his pocket. Letting go of Sasuke's wrist, he dug around in the Barney's-magic-bag-full-of-craft-materials-pocket, muttering slightly. "I've got something in here that'll help us somehow," he said. Sasuke waited, expecting it to be a kunai or smoke bomb of some sort.

Instead, Naruto pulled out a pair of…you guessed it, AK-47s. He passed one to Sasuke and kept one for himself. "Here you go! These should be okay for now."

Sasuke twitched, looking down at the machine gun in his hands. "Where the hell did you get these?"

"Oh, I stole them off some dead vaguely humanoid objects that came down from extra-strength, rainbow-power infused, fairy-tale ropes carrying these and screaming," Naruto said nonchalantly, waving a hand. "I've still got a few left."

"What were they screaming…?" Sasuke asked slowly, slightly afraid of the answer.

Naruto paused. "It sounded kind of like…" he started, attempting to remember, "ARGRUHTLSWOJHEY!"

The remaining vaguely humanoid objects swiveled and glared at him, before rushing in to attack.

"Oh, nice move, usuratonkachi," Sasuke said sarcastically. "You just got all the vaguely humanoid objects coming after us, idiot!"

"Eheheh," Naruto said, "well, you asked for me to repeat it!"

"Well, they wouldn't be AFTER us if YOU hadn't gotten it WRONG!"

"How do you know I got it wrong?" Naruto asked, confused.

Sasuke tapped his head. "Female intuition. I got it from my mother."

(A/N:…oops, wrong scene. Ignore the previous paragraph.)

"Because they're all shouting it _now_, dobe!"

Naruto quickly turned, shooting one in the head with a steady stream of bullets from the machine gun, causing rainbow blood to rain down on the two ninjas.

"Well, that's nothing we can't fix!" he said cheerfully.

After a few minutes of the standard point-and-shoot procedure, the duo began to get overwhelmed.

"It's no use! There's too many of them!" Naruto said, despairingly.

Sasuke sighed. "I didn't want to do this," he said, trailing off. "I'm going in," he stated resolutely, activating his sharingan and adjusting the military helmet that had suddenly appeared on his still messed up hair. Of course, the effect was negated by the fact that he was still wearing his rainbow vaguely humanoid object blood splattered boxers (that were once a sensible black).

Naruto stared at him sadly. "But…you can't! You'll die!"

Sasuke smiled at him prettily. "Don't worry. I'll come back to you, I promise."

Naruto dug in his Barney's-magic-bag-full-of-craft-materials-pocket, before pulling out a thalassa-shell star-shaped trinket (2). "Here, take it. It's my lucky charm, so be sure to give it back to me, alright?" he said, handing it to Sasuke.

The Uchiha hung it off the end of his AK-47, magically transmogrifying the once-normal gun into a blue and white one that almost seemed to shine with an otherworldly light. "Okay, I will," he promised, switching the just-now-named Oathkeeper to his right hand. He then ran off, leaping up and shooting quite a few vaguely humanoid objects in the head (and other various extremities) before landing in the middle of the pack, where Naruto could no longer see him.

"He's going to die," he sniffled, before realizing he was acting like a girl and scowling. "There's no way I'm gonna act like this! _He's_ the damn girl in this relationship, not me!" he reassured himself. "To hell with all this AK-47 shit, I'mma kicking their asses old-school!" (3) he stated, before dropping his gun, running into the mob and whacking everything in sight. He eventually made his way to the center of the huge group of vaguely humanoid objects.

Meanwhile, Sasuke was still busy shooting everything in sight (and still looking good while doing it). The military helmet had fallen off long ago, to be crushed underneath a dead vaguely humanoid object, to be replaced with a maniacal grin on his face and a creepy, almost happy, glint in his sharingan-red eyes.

"Oi, Sasuke," Naruto whispered, tapping the Uchiha on the shoulder. He whirled, shooting at the space Naruto's head had been half a second ago and then stared at the blond who was now huddling on the ground.

"Don't _do_ that," Sasuke whispered fiercely.

"Why are we whispering?" Naruto muttered back.

"I don't know," Sasuke said just as quietly. "You started it!"

"Well, screw whispering!" Naruto yelled loudly. "Hey, I killed a hundred and three vaguely humanoid objects! How many did _you_ get, teme?"

"Two hundred and six," he said calmly. He raised the gun and shot another one in the head. "Scratch that, two hundred and seven." He shot another in the head. "Two hundred and eight."

Sakura finally made her way to the front of the mob. "Sasuke-kuuuuun, I finally found you!" she cried. Unfortunately, Sasuke, who had been methodically killing off vaguely humanoid objects in a row, had just shot the one right beside Sakura in the head. He fired again, the bullet hitting Sakura right in the middle of her overly large forehead.

"…two hundred and twenty four," he continued calmly, before pausing and looking at her body. "Never mind, two hundred and twenty five. She counts as two."

"That's not fair!" Naruto protested. He pulled an AK-47 off the nearest dead vaguely humanoid object and shot the approaching Ino (who had come on account of Sakura screaming, "Sasuke-kuuuuun!") in the head. "Okay, now it's fair," he said proudly.

After another hour or so of shooting, Naruto and Sasuke were finally running out of strength. Sasuke was leaning on Naruto (and still continuing to shoot, his finger was developing even more calluses) and Naruto was just standing there, catching his breath.

"I…don't think we…can make it," Sasuke panted. His arm fell to his side, and he dropped Oathkeeper. The charm fell off, landing at Naruto's feet, who picked it up and dropped it back into his Barney's-magic-bag-full-of-craft-materials-pocket.

"It's okay, Sasuke," the blond ninja said. "You did good."

Sasuke smiled gently. "Thanks…Naruto." His eyelids drooped. "So…tired," he murmured.

"No!" Naruto cried. "Don't go!"

"I'm sorry," Sasuke said quietly. "I just want to…sleep." He was about to close his eyes for good, when the remaining vaguely humanoid objects that weren't hanging from extra-strength, rainbow-power infused, fairy-tale ropes starting shouting, "ARRGHRUTLSWOJEYH!" Sasuke jerked awake.

"What the hell is it now?!" Naruto asked, confused. The amount of vaguely humanoid objects started lessening, until they could finally see…

…Kakashi rolling a large, eternally sticky brightly coloured ball that stuck to everything but Kakashi's hands and the floor. (4) He continued to roll up the vaguely humanoid objects carrying AK-47s, along with their extra-strength, rainbow-power infused, fairy-tale ropes, who screamed, "ARRGHRUTLSWOJEYH!" as soon as they were rolled up. Somewhere in the background, cheesy music began to play.

"What are you doing, sensei?" Naruto asked in amusement. Kakashi's one visible eye curved into a smile.

"Oh, just cleaning up," he said happily, not noticing he had just rolled up Sakura and Ino.

He rolled away, whistling along to the cheesy background music, which faded gradually as he left. It left only Naruto (carrying a half-fainted Uchiha) and Sasuke (who was still only wearing his boxers).

"Is it…over?" Naruto asked.

And ominous voice rang out from the skies.

_It is. For now…_

Somewhere else in Konoha, some yelled, "HAY GUYZ! THE ZOMBIES ARE GONE FROM THE FRICKIN' STREETS!" in amazement.

Owari.

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(1): Has anyone else seen this picture? ;D If not, FIND IT. 'tis hilarious. The original text has a picture from the end of the Valley of the End battle where Sasuke's face is above Naruto and the text says, "Because all straight boys hover awkwardly two inches above their best friend's face" or something like that. 

(2) This is a very bad reference to Kingdom Hearts. (the first game). You phail if you haven't played it, although II is prettier. Reference is to the time when Kairi gives Sora her lucky charm (the retarded looking shell star thing) in traverse town a little before he leaves for hollow bastion or something like that. If you take a good look at oathkeeper, the keychain is that charm. Thus the whole clipping it onto the end of the AK-47.

(3) This is a reference to a Kingdom Hearts fancomic, making fun of the spot in the final battle against Xemnas (spoiler) where he traps Sora in that stupid bubble thing that drains your health (it killed us like five times!) and you control Riku. The comic basically has Riku throwing his keyblade to the side and beating the shit out of the two xemnas's. we forgot who it's by. ;D

(4) Katamari reference here. If you don't know what it is, look it up on goddamn wikipedia or something. C'est the best game evaaar. And no, we're not French. Just Canadian.

A/N: (namikun) Well, this was fun to write. Idea spawned by me at like two in the morning. (Kinomi) After we finished attempting to play Spyro and the Lawyer game and your DS kept dying! (namikun) It's called frickin' Phoenix Wright, m'kay? ;D Anyways. So we started writing this on Kinomi-dear's laptop after the power died. (Kinomi) And you were oh so close to that save point in Kingdom Hearts when it went out ;3 23 percent of my battery on my laptop is remaining D: (namikun) okay, okay, I'll hurry. We're writing this by candlelight and flashlight, so we apologize for any mistakes. I'll go over this later. (Kinomi) Yea, me too. Speaking of the power, they said it'd be back half-an-hour ago! Those bastards! (namikun) oh, I add that it's Kinomi's loss when KH shut down. I've already beaten the game. And it's not so bad that the power hasn't come on yet, it means that we had more time for the end. Otherwise it'd be even shittier! ;D (Kinomi) ..Eh, yea. 'Twas fun, though. I had a few giggle fits in the middle of writing ;) …Maybe more than a few O.o (namikun) you mean like 1094389324895? ;D oh, namikun apologizes to the dear readers that got this on their email alerts and were forced to read it out of interest. I blame kinomi for making me come up with the idea, because SHE doesn't UPDATE. –pointed glare- (Kinomi) Not my fault that I frickin' suck! I hate all my stories! And then my laptop broke and I didn't have the internet OR word!! Jeeeez. (namikun) well, join the frickin' club! You're not the only one who thinks their writing sucks. ;D and that's what paper and pen are for! You should SEE how many rough drafts I have lying around the house! Plus it's always fun to find them like a year later. I found something that seems to be a Naruto/FMA crossover the other day, but I'm still trying to figure out what it REALLY is… (Kinomi) Oh my xD And I did write on paper! I just was too lazy to type it, and everything I do type I change every two seconds D: (namikun) well, that's your goddamn fault! ;D I get those feelings too. I mean, I read my old scheisse and think it sucks. :\ (Kinomi) 'Kay well, my evil sister from hell is back now. And tormenting us poor little children yet again X(

(the both of us): and so, we must end this. ;D thank you very much for reading, and we hope you laughed as much as we did. C: ja, ne?

Love, Kinomi Akai and namikun masaki.

And all of the beloved vaguely humanoid objects on extra-strength, rainbow-power infused, fairy-tale ropes carrying AK-47s and shouting "ARRGHRUTLSWOJEYH!" and saying "Arrghrutlswojteyh," whose guns got stuffed in Naruto's Barney's-magic-bag-full-of-craft-materials-pocket. Wir lieben euch! (that should be correct. We're not German either, fyi.)


End file.
